Saturday, January 31, 2009

My 24th was just a week ago. I had a small pre-"proper" celebration with my neighbour, Anna, who cooked me a hearty breakfast (bacon, croissants, eggs, fruit..), walked around the city with me and finally had drinks with me in the night.

She is a rare gem and always such a darling - my listening ear, advice-giver (only when consulted), enthusiastic bunny and someone who craves Chinese food more than I do. She loved durian ice cream the first time she tried it - without developing that necessary "acquired taste". Much love.

My "proper" celebration is tomorrow evening.

And I got to thinking what I've achieved after 24 years of being on planet Earth. Chronologically speaking, I was never really the brightest at school: average plain jane with the average plain jane grades, a few good friends which somehow always landed me the image of being arrogant. However, I mixed around well and could generally fit into most social groups, rather a chameleon.

What I remember having and I still do, is having the insatiable appetite for knowledge. I liked having information, facts and sometimes figures at the tips of my fingers. Big ideas, I adore: mainly because I have a shit memory for Confucian-style learning (i.e. memorising) that the Singaporean school system is based on. Yes, smartassing (not in a chiding manner) and amassing information was a favourite hobby of mine. I think Dad got me a "Big Book of Answers" when I was about 8 so I would stop asking him WHOWHATWHENHOWWHYWHERE. Then came Encarta. And the internet.

However, somewhere along the line of growing my bubble world of untouched reality fuelled by 18th and 19th century English literature, globe trekking, music, pictures and hobbies only afforded with good economics, I was selfish. Being an only child meant and probably still means sharing is a life-long process as opposed to something one learns in childhood. I took easily; I gave little. Slowly, but surely, I've developed a penchant for sharing my little facts and figures, my musings, some poetry - my bubble world and my quirks, unconsciously digging mini graves with people I meet along my journey.

I thought by doing this I was being open with my friends, my family, my loved one(s). Today, I realise how much I still have to learn how to open up and really share.

24.

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fen at 9:02 AM | | Comments

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I took a long, lazy bus trip to the city today, despite faster options.

There is no better way for me to observe my surroundings, absorb the sights and sounds, feel the sun touch my skin as we went along. Songs which I think could make up the soundtrack of life were also plugged into my ears. It was a movie moment.

Being Boxing Day, the traffic was horrible and we crawled on the asphalt. Cars weaved their way through the fabric, giving the bikers a run for their money and probably lives. It took us almost 90mins to reach the city - this, by Singaporean travelling standards, is appalling.

Along the way, I was reminded how fast this country changes. The facades keep evolving each time I'm back from months away, but I like to believe the soul is unchanged. Engineering feats stupefy me which seem only the tip of the iceberg for how far we've come as a nation. When we reached a certain area, huge real estate developments seemed to sprout like well germinated seeds. Growing up here has made these buildings not an urban jungle, but an organic and integrated part of the city.

When the bus finally stops for us to alight, the sun is shining, the city is abuzz and thronging with people. I feel at home, and yet, have never felt so distant.

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fen at 5:08 AM | | Comments

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Do you have glasses? Whether you wear/need glasses is not the question.

This simple optic piece helps you see both near and far, makes everything clearer and allows you to see detail. It sits precariously on your nose, balancing. Its sexy legs hook your ears and immediately, your world changes.

They come in all shapes and sizes imaginable: colourful, quirky, big, small, round, square, oblong, thick-framed, thing-framed, no-framed...the list is endless, the possibilities infinite. There is a pair for everyone.

Perhaps you could say that they help you see objectively. Sunglasses don't, in a sense that it tints everything you see through them - gives pictures a wonderful tinge of sepia. But glasses, the clarity is just magnified.

I choose to wear glasses to see life. Which is why the quirkier, the better. Because sometimes you see better through a different framework.


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fen at 11:13 PM | | Comments

Monday, November 17, 2008


I love seasons. They are such visual manifestations of time, that intangible concept that everyone chases after.

Save for the rain, autumn is one of my favourite seasons (the others being Spring, Summer and Winter) as the colours are so vibrant - yellows, reds, browns. To me, it represents the process of letting go before regeneration and rebirth can occur: a very innate process of life on earth and with human psyche/emotions as well.

As the crisp leaves and branches crunch under my boots in Oosterpark today, I inhaled the smell of letting go into my lungs, filling them with nothingness. Soon, soon, the time will come to bloom.

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fen at 8:37 PM | | Comments

Friday, March 21, 2008

Sometimes, having a good memory is not advantageous.

The past seems a lot more vivid than the present and nothing in the future can replace what you had then.

Layers upon layers of memories have culminated in a bubblewrapped world, unspoilt by modern minimalism. The clutter lays unpacked, brown pages of "Dear Diary" in abundance, old photographs depicting a more carefree time..

The walking archive that is memory records each experience, incident, argument like a secretary, but sometimes I wished mine was like an etch-a-sketch.

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fen at 8:12 PM | | Comments

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

hmmm...I think this is the longest I've gone without updating. So much has happened and I just felt the need to withdraw a little.

Pictures of my Eurotrip (including 35mm) have been uploaded to Facebook, just fyi.

Hopefully will feel more inspired to post in the coming time.

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fen at 3:35 AM | | Comments

Monday, December 31, 2007

the last day of 2007 calls for some retrospection and reflection. supposedly.

in general, the past year has been somewhat trying. testing. evaluating. the whole "trials and errors" of life - picking one's self up at an obstacle and taking another direction. it is a human ritual i have yet to perfect - and perhaps it's never meant to be. nonetheless, i've been so fortunate and lucky to be able to have traveled so much, met so many (different and unique) people, experience different cultures and to graduate!

this is the year that i've had to deal with concepts such as "let go" and "move on" - from sorrow, from pain, from heartache. or in order to prevent so.

2007 was a junction in my life and i'm hoping 2008 will prove to be the "right" path to tread on.

have a happy new year!

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fen at 9:34 PM | | Comments

Friday, November 23, 2007

holy smokes. 5 days' worth of packing isn't quite enough for 2 1/2 years of work. and memories. and junk. and shit. and crap.

i've donated 4-5 bags worth of clothing to op shops and charitable causes, thrown out some notes (i'm a sentimental person and to throw away my all research stuff is too xin tia [heart ache]) and cleaned out my share of the fridge. despite all this, in my wardrobe hangs 2-3 pretty dresses (for later tonight and tomorrow + the flight home), a few cardigans, some pairs of shoes, papers strewn all over the ground and those shit miscellaneous items one always seems to have. i wonder if my business class ticket can save me this time :(

but mess aside, each semester is no different - i find it excruciating to pack up and leave, be it singapore, amsterdam, or perth. previously i've tried not to get too attached to places/people/things as it seems to be my downfall, but alas, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, as they say.

there is so much i want to bring home with me - countless papers, research, people, clothes, cds, photos, some junk and the life i have here, but i guess leaving also means filtering.

woe is me. and home i can only look forward to, to fill the void.

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fen at 11:16 AM | | Comments

Sunday, November 04, 2007

i had to cry on the bus today

it was a short 10 minute journey back home from the hospital. the hospital is a wonderfully scary thing - it is the (modern) place of life and death.

as i sat down, usually near the window, there was a certain emptiness that filled me up. the cup was always half full.

the drone of the engine hummed the sick feeling i had from bouncing off the hospital walls; interpellated as a strange and foreign being. a healthy human shouldn't be roaming this part of the city.

the long and winding road along the swan river has always provided a very enchanting drive - regardless of weather, or mood. looking out, eyes meet yachts, exercise freaks, children playing, pelicans, the calm waters lapping the shore, the rising tide, the ebb of energy. but not today.
its tranquility only boiled the kettle - overspilling.

i foresee familiarising myself with the hospital. to get to ward 5G in the quickest time possible.

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fen at 12:14 AM | | Comments

Monday, October 01, 2007

i've only recently developed a habit of walking everywhere (including within my own apartment) with my ipod nano in my pocket.

thing is, i'm particularly keen on catching those "movie moments". you know, those frames in time that you can imagine being projected on the big screen. frames that stand out, are abstracted from its context, yet suffices to project its own meaning within that second.

of course, the music is essential in setting the mood. or is it the other way around? i say chicken; you say egg - we've covered both grounds.

point is, the most mundane tasks have been spruced up. the task of walking to the library has been made exciting with ratatat; deciphering meaning while perusing lines of Baudrillard has been made almost pleasurable with the eels. or maybe sigur ros.

then there are times where one tries to make the moment FIT the music, and how difficult is that?

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fen at 9:51 PM | | Comments

Saturday, September 29, 2007

the human need to classify could probably be said to have peaked during the period of enlightenment. characteristics, properties, tenets - synonyms of taxonomy; categorizing nature into groups, subgroups, branches. one of the counterarguments of the glory of enlightenment and scientific rationale would be racism (which then extends to colonialism). the classification of humans into subgroups, races, continents which validates the need to civilise "barbarians".

so in our tradition of classification, we have learnt to label everything we know of-from stages in life to relationships.

and when one cannot fit into any category, we create a new one. weird, strange, complicated which inevitably become part of mainstream classification culture due to its assimilation by society into everyday discourse.

we need to find a non-category.

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fen at 12:57 PM | | Comments

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

walking by the travelex yesterday afternoon in the city, i chanced upon this:

how cool is that? i watched a documentary some time last year or early this year about the race to (commercialise) space - spearheaded by none other than richard branson who wants to make 2008 a year to commemorate with space tourism.

however, apart from the many issues behind man's insatiable appetite for commodification, the fact we're living in the (21st) century that could well mark the start of this genre of tourism is rather mind-numbing.

on one hand, it'd be lovely to view the planet from such a bird's eye perspective, authentic and unphotoshopped. on the other, inevitable competition has led to the plight that the earth is facing at the moment..do we really need to trash space and start another period of colonialism?

in other news: i've finished Woolf's "to the lighthouse" and have to say, after starting and re-starting this book 3 times, i think i've finally come to appreciate her style. she's far from being one of my favourite authors, but i tip my hat to her and her modernity. there is a hauntingness in her prose that emphasises our streams of consciousness that is a first to me. it somehow puts our daydreams and fantasies to words, those periods of time when we drift off, and gives them meaning to which we often dismiss.

another random thought: in this world of connectivity, where screens (ie computer, mobile, television) have replaced physical face-to-face interaction, i'm not quite sure how much i appreciate it. to see/read what one doesn't want (or need) to know could create one of the most unpleasant feelings.

afterall, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

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fen at 5:33 PM | | Comments

Monday, August 06, 2007

some outdated pictures with darling shoobs, taken on my last day in singapore.
and in perth, yet again, at the bubble tea place. we're addicted la..headed to the beach yesterday to catch the sunset..but alas, this is what was awaiting:so as i sit here, finishing off the crumbs of my krispy kreme doughnut and thumbing the pages of Woolf's To the Lighthouse, there is a feeling that creeps up from my cold, numb toes. that feeling of familiarity of being back in perth.

in other news, 10 books on my reading list this semester (of 4 months) is a number i have yet to deal with. they range from medieval texts to modernist ones, with a couple of theoretical essays to help bridge the leap in time. reading Ivanhoe along side Dadaist poems kinda warps one's perception.

and at the moment, i'd much rather read de Sade's Philosophy in the Boudoir which i oh-so-impulsively picked up at the co-op bookshop.

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fen at 5:13 PM | | Comments

Saturday, August 04, 2007

for an only child, i have a surprising amount of competitiveness in me.

very disturbing.

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fen at 12:27 AM | | Comments

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

coming home has always had a culture shock in its paradoxically familiar yet foreign mannerisms. the mind needs time to adjust in places where the heart has longed for.

the rushing crowds eager to plop their bums on empty seats of the mrt; eating without saying a word and rushing off asap; reserving seats at the hawker centres with tissue paper packs (this i still do not understand); why everyone has to talk so loudly and the list goes on...

however, one of the most poignant reminders that i am home is the atmosphere of competition. even the most mundane of daily routines would become american gladiators, what with the effort required to get what you want (now i reflect on those messy russian queues and can't quite decide which is better off) - and that seems to be the root of the "problem", and compromise the last resort. how odd. add to that the by-product comparison and conversations can turn bitter or uncomfortable, or the utterance of advice/recommendations/suggestions that one did not even ask for, (but) thankyouverymuch. sometimes it is casting pearls before swine.
its physical manifestation in ever-emerging buildings, expanding borders, changing façades.

having spent 2 1/2 years away from home, being back in singapore is more an experience of observation - how well i can recognise certain traits, how updated i am with headlines, if i still understand the local logic. somehow, i have become impartial despite all my homesickness and home has turned into a utopian concept in my naïve head.

there is such a divide between the reality that is, and the individual realities that are made; yet they co-exist in our (not-quite) sunny island.

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fen at 2:02 PM | | Comments

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

a final exam paper half way done, a conclusion for global politics and another 5 000 word essay left to write, my brain is fried. balancing my bag and a fucking load of groceries while biking across amsterdam to collect a fax before heading home leaves me exhausted. trying to absorb amsterdam as much as i can is emotionally taxing as well.

multi-tasking visa applications, final papers, appointments, groceries, domestic chores (ie cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, ironing and doing the laundry) and social activities has made me a busy woman. terribly reminiscent of the days in australia were every semester was filled with so much administrative work due to my applications to france and then amsterdam and then more visa-applying, flight-booking and packing to do.

on one hand, i'm terribly used to doing everything myself, from red tape to cleaning the bloody toilet. on the other i enjoy being pampered, like any other person.

sigh, nothing surprises me anymore and i can't help but roll my eyes at peers who have just discovered independence.

make me shut up already.

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fen at 11:53 PM | | Comments

time capsule

friday's class..
kirsten munching away..
getting my bike..
here i come!
by a canal..
cycling by the canal..
the green-ness of spring..
at FOAM - the photography museum..
sneaky peek..
slide show by lise safarti..
the library loft..
inside the amstelkerk which is used for municipality purposes now..
market next to amstelkerk..
all things asian..
hmmm...
grey weather..
pussy at the window (a common sight)..
cheeeeeeeese..
trying to pull a gene kelly, ha..
the end of may signals crunch time yet again. 2 final papers to be written, a take-home exam tomorrow morning and the presentation of my global politics final paper.
there isn't much time left in amsterdam, so away with my bicycle armed with map, lonely planet in hand plus cameras in tow, to discover more, more, more! there's always something happening daily - photo exhibitions, jazz concerts, gigs, international dj performances, galleries, museums, architecture, café culture to indulge in, the 9 straatjes (for boutique/vintage/indulgent shopping), slanted canal houses to see, plays, classical music concerts, markets to meander through, parks to sit in the sun and also dog poop to avoid.
just because i'm in a talkative mood: i've decided not to develop any 35mm film rolls here in amsterdam but back in singapore instead. it'll serve as a time capsule for me to get all teary and nostalgic about europe. my heart is oblivious to the excitement of seeing my increasing film roll collection; it is instead watching the ticking hands.
but..i do miss seeing pics from my smena and fisheye. hmph.

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fen at 5:46 AM | | Comments

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

we discussed freedom of speech in class today and its importance in western society. why it's so revered, why it's so protected, why it HAS to be so. and on the flip side, why freedom of speech should come with limits (this is, of course, debatable).

i'm glad to say most of my (american) classmates can see both sides of the coin. but naturally most of the class is pro-freedom of speech. however, me in my little corner, felt something boiling in me to say that it has to come with limits/tact/sensitivity (choose one you feel most appropriate) in the context for the benefit of the greater good. perhaps this is one of those hush hush lessons not taught in classrooms, but in subtle messages in censorship rules, media and the free flow of information on the internet.

as the words came out, my voice quavered and i felt my face flush.

was i embarrassed that my country did not strongly advocate an important tenet of democracy? no.

what bugged me more was the fact that at that point in time, i was unable to detach emotions from my academic self. it is sometimes scary to realise only then how emotional/passionate or even sensitive you are about a certain topic. although i do believe in it and its significance, freedom of speech is not my passion, nor do i want to propogate it. it is merely a facet of democracy that i question.

it was a eureka moment both fueled and spoiled by emotions.

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fen at 11:12 PM | | Comments

Saturday, May 05, 2007

reading Samuel P. Huntington's famous article, "The Clash of Civilizations" has given much food for thought.

his main claim: that future geopolitics will be based on the fragments and misunderstandings between cultures, not ideologies nor economies. a clash of cultures which are based on similar histories, language, religion, experiences, social organisations etc. these discrepencies in culture will therefore bring about an inevitable confrontation between any two or more civilizations which have different degrees of importance regarding issues such as human rights, gender equality, homosexual rights etc. he also cites the power of the nation state. pretty much the stuff we hear in the news.

so the main civilizations are that of the West, the Chinese, the Arab, the African, the Slavic and the South American. Huntington cites a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude towards the "west and the rest". bandwagoning is favoured as a preferred mode of bilateral political engagement, to imitate their more advanced, western counterparts.

he has even "predicted" the rise of China (but who hasn't, really?) and the Chinese civilization, and the clash between the West and the Arab culture - he wrote this in 1993 in response to Francis Fukuyama's "The End of History".

my problem with this hypothesis (perhaps, even theory at this point in time) is the assumption that cultures are immutable and static. how much western culture has become a part of mine and each and every singaporean's life is a tiny example of how cultures, ie civilizations' and their values, have overlapped. the rise of the nation state, arisen from the Industrial Revolution, the French Revolution and the rise of civic consciousness during the Enlightenment has honed a concept of a "nation", a "citizen". thus, to reduce geopolitics and political engagement down to race and civilization seems rather backward - yet a paradoxical reality in today's contemporary immigrant-phobic world. (check out the rise of conservatism in Europe and the French elections this sunday)

however, i do agree with his point regarding identity. the clash of civilizations will only occur if people choose their ethnic/racial identity over their social/political/economic affiliations. perhaps this debate has been exhausted in this time and age. there is no manual for each individual on how to choose. we have to give credit to a constructivist point of view on identity.

to focus the contemporary "problem" between the west and the middle east on a clash of culture is one side of the story. western secularism has come a long way - therefore developing critique on the lack of separation between the 'mosque' and state. ah.

the other side of the story should be, in mine and many other's opinions, the lack of hindsight of the west to keep criticising Islam as a religion. Islam as a (political) ideology is what needs to be resolved. it is afterall, man that is changeable and the text, constant.

therefore, a clash of civilizations or a mere misunderstanding?

my 2 cents worth.

ps: Huntington's article has left out the potential (and current truth) of the power of transnational organisations, but perhaps it's because it was written in '93.

finally, a good cultural/theoretical read at uni.

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fen at 4:58 AM | | Comments

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

talking to an english classmate from my dutch language course, i deepened my interest in string theory.

for those not in-the-know, it could be a theory to explain everything and how our universe works, bridging einstein's theory of space and time as a flat plane and the ever-chaotic quantum mechanics.

so. a theory that could potentially explain everything sounds pretty cool, albeit the dodgy aspects of it since the circa 60's and the overhyped aspect of the theory to produce something good. skeptism banks on the fact that it operates in 7 dimensions, requires too much energy and is potentially unverfiable due to the sheer size (ie miniscule and beyond the bloody microscopic eye) of the strings.

somewhere along the lines of thinking how great it would be for this theory to be materialised, the mystery that is earth and its beginnings seems to fade and then, perhaps religion might not have much significance anymore.

quick, these string theorists should hire a philosopher!

ps: i am amused that i'm "connected"to stephen hawking via my classmate. ooer.

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fen at 10:51 PM | | Comments

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